LOL GOD MAN you know i could talk about these two for fucking ever. i dont want to play by play their entire history because like wE WERE BOTH THERE so ill focus on just...the fallout of Right Now and whats on tims mind currently in regards to this tiny child because he has concerns, manifold and variegated and all over the fucking map.
he did view them showing up in LA as a good thing in a lot of ways, because it meant that there was still...time, so to speak, for them to find reasons to stay. and he's definitely aware that they have reasons - that theyve gotten attached, that theyve made friends. they have people theyre close to and theyve expanded this pool of people that they never wouldve met if their plan had out and out succeeded. the downside there is that theres still this conscious "well i cant get TOO attached" that was constantly at play. and since they did offer to let him come with, that extended to tims own perception of things here. he could afford to burn bridges, because this was only ever temporary. he could afford to fuck up, because those fuck ups will be wiped away. there was something liberating in that.
but it was far from ideal, and there was a definite pullback away from that at the same time - tim making these tiny attempts to anchor himself in the community, engage in these longterm projects that suggest that he's not as ready to let go as he once thought. this isnt necessarily conscious on his part, and its definitely not him living for himself. he has never lived for himself. he lives for other people, and he lives for their benefit. and at least at first, it was mostly for chara and frisk's collective benefit.
consciously he knows that chara does care, that they in fact give many shits about many of the people around them. theyre inclined toward compassion by nature and they dont know, necessarily, how to love in quiet gentle ways because their love is always this self-sacrificial thing or so brushed over that its easily denied. his mental mantra, especially in the starting months, was that he was their cover story. he was a cover story. he was an adult that could keep people from poking in too close, because two kids living alone is way more liable to get unwanted visitors and questions than the visual of one guy taking care of a couple of kids, even if hes pretty obviously not too good at it. and with this sort of constant pressure in the undercurrent of his thoughts, he could dismiss and undercut any genuine worth he might have to them besides that, and make it easier to decouple himself. hes not lup. hes not wade. hes not sans. hes just some fuck who they didnt want in their soul, who used them without asking and is still dealing with the fallout of it, and theyre making connections with people who are so much better than he is.
its this kind of distorted thinking that has tim feeling simultaneously relieved and gutted, kind of in the same way he was when brian disappeared off the map - he wasn't aware that this was because brian was in some cryptic shit, but rather just assumed that this was because brian had found better, healthier people to be around, and was no longer weighing himself down with a toxic piece of shit like tim. and he would call himself selfish for wishing his best friend was still around.
he wants to be better for them. he wants to be better, because they deserve so much better than he has to give, in his mind. but hes also constantly weighed down by his bottomed-out self-esteem and the fact that hes so very new at assuming even a nominal caretaking position.
part of it has to do that chara is a kid. an even bigger part of it is the fact that chara reminds him of himself, at that age. he can admire them for metabolizing their fear into something productive in a way he never could, but he can also recognize that this easily becomes something self-destructive. he grew up repressing so much of himself, shrinking and compressing everything he was down into a scared little boy because that was the most acceptable thing, that was something doctors could recognize and accept and therefore approve on some level, because if youre angry and lashing out no one will listen to you. so he grew up squishing all his anger down into the sarcastic, concentrated bitterness that he is today, something that's "acceptable" and palatable, and he knows thats fucking torturous. being taught that anger is this ugly, unacceptable thing fucked him up over time, which is why he fights so hard for chara to allow themself to be angry without regarding it as something murderous and horrible and fundamentally bad.
but thats the thing, see. the fact that tim wants to be better. even if he doesnt believe he can be, this might be the first time hes ever actually wanted to be a better person than he was. when he was working with jay, when he was friends with brian - the notable highlights of his bleak-ass canon - there was still this sense of "im garbage and theyre doing this out of necessity/compassion/care and theres no point in pretending otherwise" so he was still subject to the same toxic shit that could make him a deeply unpleasant person to be around in a familiar self-destructive, self-defeating loop narrative. chara might be the first person in tim's life thats had him, upon realizing that hes done something wrong, taking note of it to better himself over it instead of jotting it down as a sore point to use for his own purposes as he would ordinarily - and as he once did to them.
he wants to be part of their life, but he also believes, very deeply, that his role in their life isnt a good one, and that theyre better off moving forward. he cant help but selfishly wish that he could remain in their life in this weird almost nurturing capacity, even if hes very clearly not cut out for it.
meaning that he really does have to be better, if he wants this to be true.
that's more than he's allowed himself in years. maybe ever.
no subject
he did view them showing up in LA as a good thing in a lot of ways, because it meant that there was still...time, so to speak, for them to find reasons to stay. and he's definitely aware that they have reasons - that theyve gotten attached, that theyve made friends. they have people theyre close to and theyve expanded this pool of people that they never wouldve met if their plan had out and out succeeded. the downside there is that theres still this conscious "well i cant get TOO attached" that was constantly at play. and since they did offer to let him come with, that extended to tims own perception of things here. he could afford to burn bridges, because this was only ever temporary. he could afford to fuck up, because those fuck ups will be wiped away. there was something liberating in that.
but it was far from ideal, and there was a definite pullback away from that at the same time - tim making these tiny attempts to anchor himself in the community, engage in these longterm projects that suggest that he's not as ready to let go as he once thought. this isnt necessarily conscious on his part, and its definitely not him living for himself. he has never lived for himself. he lives for other people, and he lives for their benefit. and at least at first, it was mostly for chara and frisk's collective benefit.
consciously he knows that chara does care, that they in fact give many shits about many of the people around them. theyre inclined toward compassion by nature and they dont know, necessarily, how to love in quiet gentle ways because their love is always this self-sacrificial thing or so brushed over that its easily denied. his mental mantra, especially in the starting months, was that he was their cover story. he was a cover story. he was an adult that could keep people from poking in too close, because two kids living alone is way more liable to get unwanted visitors and questions than the visual of one guy taking care of a couple of kids, even if hes pretty obviously not too good at it. and with this sort of constant pressure in the undercurrent of his thoughts, he could dismiss and undercut any genuine worth he might have to them besides that, and make it easier to decouple himself. hes not lup. hes not wade. hes not sans. hes just some fuck who they didnt want in their soul, who used them without asking and is still dealing with the fallout of it, and theyre making connections with people who are so much better than he is.
its this kind of distorted thinking that has tim feeling simultaneously relieved and gutted, kind of in the same way he was when brian disappeared off the map - he wasn't aware that this was because brian was in some cryptic shit, but rather just assumed that this was because brian had found better, healthier people to be around, and was no longer weighing himself down with a toxic piece of shit like tim. and he would call himself selfish for wishing his best friend was still around.
he wants to be better for them. he wants to be better, because they deserve so much better than he has to give, in his mind. but hes also constantly weighed down by his bottomed-out self-esteem and the fact that hes so very new at assuming even a nominal caretaking position.
part of it has to do that chara is a kid. an even bigger part of it is the fact that chara reminds him of himself, at that age. he can admire them for metabolizing their fear into something productive in a way he never could, but he can also recognize that this easily becomes something self-destructive. he grew up repressing so much of himself, shrinking and compressing everything he was down into a scared little boy because that was the most acceptable thing, that was something doctors could recognize and accept and therefore approve on some level, because if youre angry and lashing out no one will listen to you. so he grew up squishing all his anger down into the sarcastic, concentrated bitterness that he is today, something that's "acceptable" and palatable, and he knows thats fucking torturous. being taught that anger is this ugly, unacceptable thing fucked him up over time, which is why he fights so hard for chara to allow themself to be angry without regarding it as something murderous and horrible and fundamentally bad.
but thats the thing, see. the fact that tim wants to be better. even if he doesnt believe he can be, this might be the first time hes ever actually wanted to be a better person than he was. when he was working with jay, when he was friends with brian - the notable highlights of his bleak-ass canon - there was still this sense of "im garbage and theyre doing this out of necessity/compassion/care and theres no point in pretending otherwise" so he was still subject to the same toxic shit that could make him a deeply unpleasant person to be around in a familiar self-destructive, self-defeating loop narrative. chara might be the first person in tim's life thats had him, upon realizing that hes done something wrong, taking note of it to better himself over it instead of jotting it down as a sore point to use for his own purposes as he would ordinarily - and as he once did to them.
he wants to be part of their life, but he also believes, very deeply, that his role in their life isnt a good one, and that theyre better off moving forward. he cant help but selfishly wish that he could remain in their life in this weird almost nurturing capacity, even if hes very clearly not cut out for it.
meaning that he really does have to be better, if he wants this to be true.
that's more than he's allowed himself in years. maybe ever.